Getting ahead of behavior
In high school, I believed that Alfredo sauce was a healthy alternative to tomato sauce. I’d smother my pasta with this delicious white sauce. Come to find out, I was wrong. Eventually, I learned that my belief was based on my preference for Alfredo, not on actual evidence. Plus back then, we couldn’t just Google nutritional value. We had to decode it based on labels, so who had time for that? Anyhow, what does this all mean? As parents, we can take systematic, thoughtful approaches to deciphering our children’s behavior, which allows us to get ahead of the behavior, versus getting stuck in the cycle of, “WHY?!?!?!” Remember, a behavior is simply a symptom that provides evidence for something else.
Parenting bite. Be an observer
In this space, we take on detective-like skills by noticing when, where, with whom, and what happened prior to the behavior and possibly after. Things to ask yourself to identify a trend:
What time of day does the unwanted behavior happen?
Is it first thing in the morning? After school? Before dinner? Before bed?
Where is the behavior happening?
In the bathroom, when her sister comes in while she’s getting ready?
At the dinner table, when I am asking them to sit down to eat with us?
Leaving the park, a friend’s house, the beach, home?
With whom?
She seems to explode with her sister.
He yells at his teacher.
When he/she is asked to engage in a skill?
When asked to share?
When needing to communicate feelings, wants, likes/dislikes?
When given a demand such as cleaning or brushing their teeth?
Once a trend is identified, we can develop a working hypothesis to explore. For instance, Sasha yells in the morning, when her sister attempts to play with her. Quinn avoids emptying the dishwasher in the morning. From here we get to explore. Sometimes, being an observer is the solution. We can adjust the environment or teacher the skill. Sometimes we need more.
Parenting Bite. Assess the basics
HALT- Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired
Now that you have taken a moment to observe, consider if you could help your child by satiating a basic need. For instance, in your observation, was the behavior happening when they got home from school? Is it Hunger, possibly a snack? Are they Tired, maybe a nap is needed?
Let’s take a deeper dive into HALT by considering Anger and Loneliness.
Anger boils up and can be a very uncomfortable feeling for parents and children. Often underlying, it is a mix of emotions. In this space, there are several things you can do.
Connect to your child’s anger by simply existing in the space with them. This is referred to as co-regulating. Children learn to self-regulate through co-regulating.
Once the calm enters, empathize by sharing a relatable situation.
Lastly, and if it’s appropriate to model a skill, either in your example, “I got so angry and exploded at your Dad, when I wish I would have said, “I’m angry because the dishes were left on the table and it felt overwhelming to me.” Then ask your child, “What else could I have done?” Making it about you takes pressure off of them, then you can ask them if stating an “I wish” statement would have been helpful for them.
Now onto Lonely. The need for significance and belonging is deep. When our children feel disconnected from the world around them, behaviors can emerge. Go back to your observations, notice how they are involved in the family community. Do they have the opportunity to show value through chores or connected through laughter, hugs, comfort? Are they connected to their school, friends?
Parenting Bite. Inquire
Great ways to include your child in your observations is by asking some of the following questions. Select one question and avoid “Why?”
I’ve noticed that you seem to be avoiding going to Sarah’s house? What’s up?
I’ve noticed that you’re having difficulty in the morning. What’s up?
It seems that getting on the bus is tricky? What’s going on?
Now what?
These are tools to get ahead of the behavior. Remember, a parenting superpower is curiosity. Being curious allows you to get to know our child and take inventory of what’s going on in their life. We often float by one another on the way to school, work, eating meals; being observers, recognizing basic needs, and inquiring is both respectful and connected.
Once your detective skills are practiced, you have a clear idea of the root cause, then we begin to develop possible solutions. Remember, sometimes observing is the solution. This is not a race, it’s not a one size fits all, it’s a working hypothesis. Mistakes are encouraged and learned from. So start by observing and being curious. From there, use empathy, and engage your child in the process.
If observing is totally new for you, I am here for it! Life is happening and to observe means we have to be present. Be kind to yourself as you strengthen this new skill.
All of my love,
Holly
