Thoughts on behavior
My 20-something year-old self would have never thought that one day, 80% of my conversations would have been consumed by behavior talk. In the case of this parenting bite, let’s focus our attention on how we can reframe behavior, which will free us from old thinking traps. Yup! You read that right. Let me explain.
First off, behavior is often framed as all the unwanted reactions we get from our kids, our partners, our families, siblings, co-workers, bosses. “Did you see how she rolled her eyes at me?” I think we are all culprits of the many venting sessions where we express, divulge, and spew all of the misbehavior our children impose on us in their attempt to ruin our day, our lunch, our phone conversation, our one attempt to go to the bathroom in peace. We become fixated on the behavior, which makes sense because it’s happening in the present moment and often impacting the family, the child, the parent.
Behavior is ALSO all the yummy, good stuff: the first smile, the laughs, the snuggles, the high-fives, butterfly kisses, the hugs. It’s yin and yang. We need both. In a way, all behaviors are a pulse into what our child is experiencing in their world. Remember that. Now let’s refocus.
First parenting bite:
Our children do not misbehave because they want to. And they are not purposefully out to get us. Know this. Breathe it in.
Second parenting bite:
Behavior is absolutely a form of communication. It is also an opportunity to explore your child’s underlying unmet needs and “lagging skills.” In The Explosive Child by Dr. Ross Greene, a lagging skill refers to the lack of a life skill that your child possesses to solve a problem. Big behaviors can emerge from the child’s inability to access the skills needed to solve a problem. The problem could be brushing their teeth, asking for help, learning multiplication, figuring out how to sweep dirt into a dustpan, self-regulation, lining up dishes in the dishwasher (I never learned how to do this, which drives my husband bananas). We are problem solving machines and it starts at birth.
What about unmet needs? Dr. Alfred Adler and his pupil, Dr. Richard Dreikurs, brought awareness to the belief that, at our core, we have a need to feel a sense of belonging and significance. When this need is unmet, we will engage in unwanted behaviors in an attempt to fulfill a need. For instance, you’re on the phone with a friend, while your child tugs at your shirt over and over again as you lose your mind wondering why he is not accepting, “Give me one more minute.” He is receiving your acknowledgement even if it’s in an undesirable way. At the same time, a problem is also apparent. He may not know what to do when you are on the phone or he may be unclear how to initiate self-play (lagging skill).
Ask yourself, “Could the behavior be caused by a lagging life skill or does my child feel connected and valued?
Third parenting bite:
As parents, we are mirrors. Our reactions and behaviors are placed center-stage with an audience of small eyes and absorbent minds. My daughter has the most annoying habit of grunting when she’s angry. Guess what? I grunt. Ugh. She also has the best cackle, and I do too. Therefore, before we venture into the rabbit whole of solving our child’s behavior, identifying how to seek help to work on our own habits that were cultivated through early experiences and are now quilted into the fabric of our narratives is, in my opinion, extraordinarily valuable. Self-work is where it’s at.
What now?
Shift old, archaic thoughts that lure you into the habit of believing your child is out to get you. Or mollifying their behavior by stating, “get over it.” This takes practice. I like to remind myself that it’s not my child that is driving me batty, it’s their behavior. In those moments, consider the root of the behavior. Is there a lagging skill? Or does my child not feel connected to the family, his school, his community? Then remind yourself that the behavior is a symptom of something else.
In these moments, your greatest parenting superpower is curiosity and empathy. Be curious about the person in front of you and remind yourself that you’ve probably had a similar experience, even if it surfaced as a different behavior.
Look out for my next parenting bite where we discuss ways to get ahead of unwanted behaviors.
So much love,
Holly
