positive parenting

Positive parenting? What’s the hype? Why do I care? Should I try it? What if I’m a realist, slightly pessimistic human being? Am I setting myself up for more confusion?

This was the vortex that was my brain when I began to consider intentional parenting. Let me step back a moment. This was the vortex I flew into when I felt lost, managing parenting messages on Instagram, in my news feed, from my neighbors, and questioning my own blueprint that I was subjected to in my youth. 

Like a good student (that I was not), unless the topic was fascinating or directly related to me (thank you, ADHD), I threw myself into literature. And re-emerged with hope and a bit of annoyance.

Where did positive parenting come from?

Positive parenting isn't new. This approach to parenting shifts from rewards and punishments to using empathy and connection to guide our children in the right direction. Psychologist Laura Markham describes it as a parenting method that is "offered in a positive way to resist any temptation to be punitive." Much of the philosophy around positive parenting is rooted in the influential work of Alfred Adler, the creator of individual psychology. I'm going to oversimplify this, but basically he believed that parenting does matter, more specifically the relationship that we cultivate with our children can greatly influence them. The goal for all beings is to feel a sense of significance and belonging. Rudolph Dreikurs, a student of Adlerian Psychology, went on to develop practical criteria to apply Adler's theory to support parents. It's good stuff.

Some of the principles focus is on supporting our children in developing life skills. Not just nuking the mac and cheese, but how to manage frustration and build friendships. This is done through active parenting where we provide a kind and firm balance, emphasize mutual respect, empower our kids to feel like capable human beings, which is practiced through everyday tasks, and connection. Connection being a place where they find their value and niche within the family community and for that matter the larger community.

Alfred Adler

Another well-known pioneer of positive parenting was Dr. Haim Ginott, a psychologist and parent educator. In 1965, he authored Between Parent and Child; emphasizing respectful relationships and the value of how we communicate in parenting. Here is the thing, positive parenting has taken many forms, and has evolved in several directions, AND remains, at its root, truly beautiful work. Where respectful, intentional parenting flourishes that is both clear and kind.

In this role, we are models, teachers, collaborators, problem solvers, emotionally aware, and grounded participants mirroring what healthy boundaries, healthy living and owning mistakes looks like. 

Parenting Bite

This sounds amazing, right? If we could only snap our fingers. Here’s where it gets tricky. We are exposed to the knowledge, whether bombarded via our Instagram feed or read about in the pages of a parenting book. To take the path of positive parenting means we have to relinquish some of our parenting habits that have been embedded into our values and beliefs since the time we were bottle-fed (or breast-fed). Which means, this is a process, actually a major overhaul. 

Can we be both? Both positive and intentional in our practice as well as people influenced by our own parents who were perhaps no-nonsense authoritarian types or helicopter parents? The answer is yes. However, changing cycles is imperative to finding our own connected and firm parenting balance.

In the meantime, I will share this parenting bite. As you trial new approaches or take in new information, remind yourself that this is a practice and that self-imposed guilt and shame will stall growth. 

now what?

Sit in that space. Take a minute and journal, think out how you will combat sticky, guilt ridden thoughts. Maybe through a mantra, “I love me and I love my child” or “I’m a good parent and my child is good.” 

A journal entry could look like this, “What messages did I receive from influential person(s) (insert mom, dad, grandparents, teachers) that impacted me? How do these messages influence my parenting?

I believe we have to look at our own narrative as we explore our parenting, and essentially ourselves.

Sometimes parenting practice does not exist in sentence stems. It exists in self-reflection. That’s what this parenting bite is about. Baby steps.

So much Love,

Holly