The Routine aka third parent

Sneak Peak: You are about to get a glimpse into the morning routine for 5 year-old with ADHD. I'll share how I troubleshot the challenges and how now, she successfully gets ready for school! No small feat.

Dude...duuuude. Let's sit in the space where we vent about getting kids out the door for a minute. We need to appreciate how it all started so we can truly bask in the growth. Our morning with our second daughter went something like this:

*Thud, thud, thud, down the stairs, followed by a swoosh, indicating that a blanket was being used as a robe/dress and dragged along the floor.

Me: Mentally preparing for my second daughter to enter the room, disheveled and hungry, bordering on hangry.

"Morning, Maeve."

Second born: "Morning, Mom" was uttered from the kitchen table.

First born: Hyped up 8-year-old enters who was born an early bird. "Morning Maeve!!"

Second born: "STOP talking to me."

Me: "Alright, breakfast is ready."

*The meal is placed in front of the 5 year-old, who is now teetering between the option of filling her belly or nuclear explosion.

I shift my attention towards the clock, then back to the child who chose to fill her belly, versus give her sister a mouth full. I know the tone is set. And regardless of the egg and cheese sandwich being absorbed, her mood is likely set too. The next step is the all too familiar statement heard across the world, "Let's get ready for school." Again, we are at a crossroads: will she accept the invitation to get ready or explode.

This pattern got super old. Plus, I was over my morning rendezvous with Billie Holiday being derailed by negotiations, pleads, yells and tears. So, I changed it, and my friend, you can too!

The routine or, what I like to refer to as, the third parent.

The idea of a third parent, au pair, nanny all sounds lovely, right? But that's just not the reality for most. I knew our mornings were a muck, nobody wanted to start the day off like this. Not me, not Maeve, nobody. The morning chaos is not one person's problem, it was a family problem. Adam and I were no longer up for the constant reminders, and Maeve, being five, was not up for remembering and doing all of the steps needed to get out of the house. Hence, the routine chart was implemented. And here's the beauty: the routine chart becomes the third adult in the room. "It's not me who is asking you to get ready for school, it's the routine chart."

I chose to create a routine chart that was like a To-Do list. The reason being, I love crossing out things on my own To-Do list AND I believed this format would help my daughter feel a sense of accomplishment as well as create an organized approach to morning tasks. My goal was to teach her a skill and teach it in a way that could evolve. The materials needed: folder, scissors, ruler, velcro, labels. I asked a beautiful, crafty friend to make some labels for me and I purchased the daily routine cards from Etsy.

Each routine chart has five tasks. If you have a younger child, I would suggest few tasks. For instance, a 3 year-old could set the table, put his dish in the sink when done, and get ready for his bath, but may need help brushing his teeth and hair. Always choose tasks that they have already been taught. If you are adding a new skill that you want to teach, do that task with your child. We want to set them up for success! As a child masters a step, then a new step can be added. Each task completed is marked "done". Once Maeve has completed the task, she covers it up, and moves on to the next task. The routine cards are Velcro versus glued. This allows us to change the order if need be and switch up the tasks as she masters a step. Placement of the chart matters. Ours is placed in a frequently visited space, the bathroom.

What if it doesn't work?

I got you. First, build it up! The chart should be introduced in a way that includes a child's input. Ask them, "What should be included on your morning routine chart?" Once, this is identified, ask, "What would you like to do first, next, etc.?" For us, I originally did not agree with the sequence my daughter suggested, but I went with it and said, "Let's try it out." After a few days, she too realized that the sequence went against a natural flow, and we changed it. So remember, we have to model for our kids that this is not a perfect process and that is okay.

Now, here was the super tricky part. Maeve gets distracted, eating takes a while. Her walk to the stairs may be interrupted by an impromptu crash pad, and then a spontaneous dance routine, followed by an argument with her sister. When she finally ascends the stairs, she may decide that the sparkly dress feels uncomfortable, and her pants are not quite tight enough. You get where I'm going. She's not a child that can transition without some detours.

In these cases, consider getting as much picked out the night before. If you have a sensory kid, don't even bother with clothes that you know will set them off. Have them try on the outfit the night before.

Next, whatever you do, don't use the routine chart as a point of contention by saying, "Why are you not following your routine?" "You're not doing what's next." Demands and blame only create resentment towards the process. Remind them once, move on, and keep to the schedule. If needed I have said, "can I check breakfast off your list or would you like to?" Sometimes these simple questions give them autonomy, engage them, and get the process in motion. In terms of keeping a schedule, if the car has to leave by 8:00 am, then Frannie may be going to school with some bad breath if she did not get to the teeth brushing part of her morning.

Lastly, and for us this was key. I decided to use a visual timer to help Maeve gauge the amount of time her routine actually takes. This is how it went:

Me: "Maeve, how long do you think it will take you to do your routine?"

Maeve: "I don't know."

Me: "What about 20 minutes?"

Maeve: "I think 25 minutes."

Me: "Okay, let's set it for 25 minutes." I proceeded to set the timer and give it to her. I added, "Can you remind us all when it get's to the 5 so we can work together to get in the car on time?" Here, I'm giving her not only autonomy, but a purpose within the family. I also reminded her that, "It's not a race. If we don't get it done in 25 minutes, it's not a big deal. We are just doing an experiment to see how long it takes us all to get ready." I'm avoiding speed, which defeats the purpose, and can exacerbate anxiety. My goal is to create morning habits that limit chaos, teach time management and organization; not how to win a race.

Parenting bite.

We need help and our kids need to feel a sense of accomplishment. That's what a routine chart can provide. Yes, it takes a minute to get it together, but think about what you feel like when you cross something off of your to-do list. It feels pretty freaking good! Big takeaways: (1.) include them in the process, (2.) set them up for success, (3.) teach skills that are not known, and (4.) let them do what they've mastered without help. Switch it up when needed, nothing is set in stone. And this is KEY: do not reward for a routine chart that is completed. Recognize efforts, self-reflection, provide encouragement and praise, but there's no need for bribes. Helpful questions to invite self-reflection and incorporate gratitude could be, "How did that feel?" and I encouragement such as "You did all five steps and even helped us get in the car on time! Thank you!"

What's your plan to tackle the morning? How do you solve the morning chaos? Or maybe you and yours are smooth sailing. How? Need help troubleshooting? I'm here! And remember, the routine chart does not need to be fancy. It just needs to get done! Perfection is overrated.

xoxo

Holly